Assisted Suicide and Multiple Sclerosis

     We had the talk, the one you dread having, but one people like me need to have. It starts with a quote, remember when you said you would support whatever decision I made on the final disposition of this illness...q the tears. The wife supports me, just doesn't want to go yet. I have said from the very beginning I'd only let this progress so far before I put an end to things.  Not on the doorstep of that place, but I am pulling up to the curb. Everything is an effort, and with that effort comes a good amount of pain. When the time comes I choose to exit on my own terms.

Major Depression, Don't Want to Play Anymore

     Major depression day, I've got the blues,  big time. I have days that I can't believe my life is where it is, just can't shake it. All sorts of things run through my mind. How much longer can I keep this up? What happens when I can no longer transfer? It's coming,  don't know what I can do to stem the tide? Don't  know how much longer I want to  fight it? When is it time to embrace the beast, just let it go? It's a good thing I don't have a machine that could be  unplugged, not today.

Arms Almost as Dead as My Legs

     I think back to when all of this started , I began to prepare myself for the day that I could no longer walk. I thought I had done a good job mentally preparing myself for what sounded like an inevitable future. I’ll tell you something that never crossed my mind, my arms and hands. I honestly never even considered it. Imagine my surprise one day when I was putting on my deodorant and had a hard time holding my arm up. I have prided myself in how I have been able to adjust to the little things, I now put my right arm on the windowsill to apply my deodorant, problem solved. The problem is, like my legs, things started on my right side, then gradually migrated to the left. The right arm on the windowsill was possible because I lifted it there with my right arm, that is getting harder to do. I have begun to drop things with my left hand, not aware they are no longer there. This realization is not a new one, 25 years ago I switched carrying my service weapon from the right side to the left, it got me 3 extra years at work. The problem is I am fresh out of arms. I am trying to prepare myself for what happens when the left side is as dead as the right, it’s somewhat of a hard thing to do. I will do my best, just not sure how much more I have in me?

A Bad Case of MS Depression

     I’ve been bitten by the depression bug the last few days, particularly bad today. MS is kicking my ass today! Let’s see, what was it that got to me, hard to isolate just one thing? My pay went up $44 a month, that opens the world at my feet. That massive raise was swallowed up by the landscaping we just had done, next years also. Paid to have the yard work done, that’s always a trigger. It’s not the money, though it is, it’s that I want to do it! I planted 4 flower boxes today, all by myself. Well, the wife brought me the boxes, poured the potting soil in, brought me the flowers, then cleaned up the incredible mess I made. But I did it all by myself! Oh, by the time I was finished my right arm hung down at my side, lifeless and useless. It was about then I had to go to the bathroom. Imagine trying to insert a catheter with one hand. Let’s just say it didn’t go well. Now I’m in bed, worn out and discouraged. Still can’t recline, my rear is irritated, nothing serious, yet. May seem small to you, but my world is crashing in around me today.

Numbness In Hands And Arms, And I Want To Be A Rabbit Rancher

Make a fist, then clinch it 20 times a minute, that's what today brought. Also brought the blues on in torrents! It's always right there, like to say just below the surface, but I'd be lying. Don't know that the depression has ever not been on top? The speed at which the disability is accumulating isn't helping matters much either. Sure hoping this new hand jive doesn't stick around, not digging it at all!

Told the wife I was to sell everything, buy a house in the country, start a rabbit ranch. She told me she was pretty sure I was an idiot. asked her to let me know when she was certain. She asked, out of curiosity, what do rabbit ranchers wear? Seemed a silly inquiry, but I told her, like any rancher I would wear cowboy garb, leather chaps, cowboy hat, spurs, the whole 9 yards. She of course would wear the same thing as Miss October, she was a bunny! She informed me she had made up her mind, I had arrived.

Multiple Sclerosis, Back Pain, Depression, and IV Steroids

Can you say exacerbation? I can, but I needed spell check to make sure it was spelled right. I am in full bloom with one right not, waiting to hear from the nurse tomorrow with a time to put another IV in. A lot going on, a rhizotomy scheduled for tomorrow, feeling bad, physically and emotionally, fatter than a sumo wrestler, I tell ya, a lot! Add to it subtropical weather and I'm finished. Find out tomorrow if the doc will do the rhizotomy whilst in an episode, hope so, been hoping to have this done for a good while.

MS Blues

Having one of those days, questioning everything, what I've done, what I haven't done. The things I thought I should be proud of, maybe I didn't do so well at those either? I want a redo!

Pharmacy Won't Pay For Cymbalta Unless I Pay Double CoPay

So my mail order pharmacy calls today, it's the pharmacist himself no less. Been having a bit of a go round over my nutsy-leg cramp medicine, Cymbalta. Doctor wants me to take 90 mg, pharmacist says 60 mg is the highest dose past titration, they will not pay for higher dose, and it is not recommended. They will however let me take a 60 mg and a 30mg pill each day providing I pay 2 co-pays. Whaaaa? It gets safer the more money I spend? Time to call the doctor again, oh joy!

Laughing's Good, Depression and MS, and Mud Sculptures

This is why I don't Dougie out into the street!

Having an incredibly down day, usually corresponds with when I don't feel well, but let's face it, I don't ever feel well anymore. I'm really having a hard time getting my mind around that fact. It's not a denial thing, how can I deny this? It's a realization, a resounding realization, like when Dorothy's landed after the twister, hits me everyday with that same thud. I could do this much better if I could turn off my emotions, no choice in that either.

If I had it to do over again I'd of learned how to do mud and grass sculptures, placed them all through the woods of my mountain estate. OK, first I'd of needed a mountain estate, but that's thinking small. The girl is freaked out by garden gnomes, imagine he coming upon one of these in the woods, I live for that! Don't think the wife would go for one of these beauties in the yard, even the back.

Wasted Doctors Visit, Depression and MS, and Prescription For Smoking

So I go to the doctor today, need to get a letter from him explaining I need a higher dose of my nutsy pill than the insurance company will pay for, simple. Nothing is simple anymore, not even getting letters. He's not my primary, so he's not sure what I need, thinks it would be more effective if I call them and raise hell. I know, how about I call HIS office and raise hell about him not sending another letter? I hate doctors.

I need to start a club, one for men stuck at home with nothing to do. Not sure what I'm going to call it, that name's not real catchy, but this rots, big time. I never thought I'd get to this point, I'm talking pre MS thought. I do absolutely nothing, mostly because of the lack of energy, but just as much because I have no direction. The depression smacks me from all sides, it's really depressing, HA! The impending doom feeling has been there forever, now add in it doesn't appear to be impending anymore and ouch! Tell me I don't need that third pill.



I forgot to ask the doctor today, but I'm pretty sure he wants me to start smoking again? I think they even gave me a prescription to start once, just having a problem laying my hands on it right now. 5 years since I smoked a cig or had a drink of any kind, having my doubts if it's worth it or not? Sitting out back smoking at least gave me something to do. Not particularly worried about the health risks, the thing that keeps me away is the cost, damn you tobacco lawsuits!

We All Do Dumb Things, and Kids Are A Lot Of Work

The Caps lost tonight, too many men on the ice, the goalie started off, then went back! Thought the coach's head was going to explode. Glad I don't have a coach to yell at me when I do stupid things, I tend to do them quite frequently. For instance, threw a light bulb into a fire one time, wanted to see if it would melt. Laying there watching, the thought came to me, light bulbs, they are filled with something, what was it? POP! Oh yeah, gas. Hot embers, little pieces of glass, not my finest hour, but also not my worst! Don't yell coach, at least it wasn't a light bulb.

Had the blues today, worried about the boy and school. Maryland has that damn HSA test, you have to pass the test to graduate. The entire school year means absolutely nothing. Pass everything, all 4 years, fail the test, don't graduate. The boy isn't a test taker, but does so we in the other parts he does fine, but the HSA is always there. He didn't pass them, so he had the option to do projects. You can should see these projects! I'd like to give them to the teachers to see if they could do them. This wasn't in the manual, but we will keep him, because after this, school, there won't be anything for us to worry about, right?

The MS is Starting to Effect My Cognitive Abilities, No Fun

Started gathering some information for something we are working on, ran into a brick wall. I tried all day to figure out what I needed to do, but could not figure it out. I've been having a hard time putting things in line, wading through steps, but can retrieve information I know, so it's not a memory. My cognitive abilities seem dull, not fully with me. Never a good day when you have that epiphany that something has begun, or that you are conceding you are aware it has begun previously. I will need to wrap my mind around this one, try to figure out what I can do.

Born Free, Youth Bowling, and Fighting Fatigue

As you can see from the picture, my efforts to capture the feral cats has yet to be successful. You may also notice the total and utter fear I have put into these wild felines. This Siamese mutt, if cats are called that, could hardly sun itself out on our pool deck today he was so scared! I may need to rethink my strategy, looks like what I'm doing isn't working?

The boy has another bowling tournament tomorrow, this one pretty close, at Country Club Lanes. He is in singles, pairs, and team events. I think it's 9 am he has to be there, so I volunteered so the wife can get some much needed sleep. The problem is it won't work. She will get up to make sure we have everything we need, and probably not go back to bed, but the offer is there. The boy needs to move on the adult leagues, he is up against little kids in some of the events, and he aint little! He just wants one last trip t the junior nationals, and they are July.

Was reading some other blogs today, I see fatigue is an issue with a lot of my fellow MSer's, just like it is for me. I truly believe it to be the worst part for me. I have days, combined with the depression, it's tough to get up from bed. I take my nutsy pills and feel better, but yet to find anything for the fatigue. Every
once in a while the fatigue won't be there as bad, it's nice to feel like my body can go out and do things, even if I know better.

Home Steroid Infusion, Those Poor Pro Athletes, and Coming to Grips With Disability

Sporting my Rocky Horror Picture Show look. 3rd day of my in home infusion, things are looking up, I just hope they last. My right hand is alive again, I can do more than just smack the kids with it! Had to miss the sister's 50th birthday party, would have liked to have been there for the old girl, but this had to be done. My eyes are better, the right one is still a bit off, hoping to have more improvement there. Wonder if I can do this every weekend? It's the only time I seem to feel good, or at least at a manageable level.

The boy is doing his senior year in a work study sort of setting. He gets off school at 11:15, comes home, eats, and is off to work the bowling alley. He actually hooked me up today to the IV, and made me lunch before sliding out! We ate watching TV, with him that means ESPN. I think pro athletes should learn when to keep their mouths shut. They talk about the sacrifices they have to make for family, and spending more time with fellow players then family members, brakes my heart. That few months on the road is hard, no doubt, but no harder then sitting in a parking lot all night long watching construction equipment on a part time job. I think they made more then I did at the state fair working that part timer too. I need my life to be as tough as that, just for a little while.

Been rather down in the dumps for a while, bunch of things all at once. The girl a semester off from school, needed to reconnoiter, or just take a break, caught me off guard. I'm having a tough time dealing with my mounting disability, all these hand problems have thrown me off my game. I always expected the legs to go, I guess I tried to ignore the hands were involved too. Thank God for humor, my friends, and my family! The friends got together and closed my buddy Slammer's pool, he just had surgery and wasn't able to do it, great bunch. The wife and kids are great, couldn't ask for better, and you find humor in places you wouldn't think to look. The wife was flushing the IV line with saline yesterday. Getting the air out of the syringe, she pushed too hard, sending a rocket stream up to the ceiling, ricocheting off and hitting me right in my bald spot! Still laughing about that one.

The Girl Got Published, I've Got Bob Dole Hand, and No Energy To Do Housework

I don't know about any if you have famous authors living in your house, but we do, it's just the way we roll. The girl wrote a book when she was 14 or so, probably the only thing she wrote that the father didn't die in the first few minutes! She finally decided to get it published, it's called, "Her Hair",and we are all excited about it. She's excited because, well, because she she got her book published. I'm excited because when she's famous, she can buy me stuff! She has others, one will be submitted to a competition, I'll let you know.

I'm getting the wife to sew the right pocket of all my pants shut, it is officially useless to me. If I am able to get something in the right pocket, I sure can't get it out. I was wearing a pair of my fat guy shorts today, had my wallet in my right pocket. My wallet is huge, has my badge, and wad of cash I lug around. I couldn't get my right hand into the pocket. My hand isn't swollen and won't fit, I just couldn't find the opening, or manipulate the wallet out. I need to start carrying a pen in my right hand like Bob Dole, problem is I'd drop the pen. I always liked my right hand, I'm going to miss it.

I have tons of projects that need to be done, don't have the energy to even get started. It's time to get started with painting, refinishing floors, all kinds of fun stuff. I won't be doing any of it. That time has past for me, I will be the guy that sits on the chair and keeps saying it needs another coat, even before the first one is on yet. Who will build my cottage doors, put up my wainscoting, my disco ball? I know this is just the start of this part but I already hate it! Just something else to get depressed over.

Got the Blues, Taking Over the World, and Pains Are Real Pains

Had the blues all week, just couldn't shake it. It would probably be considered more then just the blues, but who's counting? Things are looking up, but I still don't fell well, add to it that these periods now effect my eyes, and my overall health, it's not a fun thing. We will soldier on, do what needs to be done, cross all my I's, dot all my T's, see where it takes use. School is upon us, the boy got his electric bike, the girl is taking the semester off to build the bank account, and recharge. Bring on the next challenge!

I am getting ready to take over the world, look for me in a store near you. I'm tired of certain things, and I've decided if I was running the show, things would run more smoothly. I'm not starting with any of the big things, I'm thinking rules will be a good muster point. Got an automated call from the high school, it would be a big help to fill out the blue emergency cards, the ones they give you with a note, must be completed by such and such a date. No more please do it. Do it or your child gets sent home. They chase these people for months, not under my system! I never filled these cards out myself, told the kids I couldn't sign anything, against witness relocation rules. Tomorrow I'll solve the tinted window problem in Maryland.

I've been having pains, pains that would drop a sensible person to their knees. The pains are what I think are where my muscles used to be? They hit, and boy do they get your attention! It's a lot like a Charley horse, but not with as much cramping, just the pain. My arms and legs jump all over the place, twitching like a fat kid near cake! The pain is new, this didn't suck enough the way it was, thanks MS fairy. I will do what I can, and hope that it will go away, I've had great luck with THAT strategy so far!

Multiple Sclerosis, Glasses Fixed, Stained Glass Project, and Bad Mood Thursday

I got my glasses fixed today, I can see things again. They took them right back, worked on them, and in no time I had them back. I asked about getting the scratches in the no glare coating buffed out. The girl asked me if I was still under warranty? I wanted to say, at my age, but I fought it off. I often wonder what men my age and older are thinking when they make cute remarks to young girls? Hopefully not that they want to hear it. She spent 20 minutes on the phone checking to see about warranty, they weren't, but I wonder if she could have buffed them out faster then the phone call took?

I went up today to see about getting stained glass panes to put in an old window frame. I want to put 2 of the windows over the hall bathroom window for privacy. After we put the walk in shower in and took the tub out, there isn't as much room around the window as there used to be. If I cut down the 2 frames, attach them together, then hinge them over the existing window, it should provide a certain modicum of privacy. I have to pick stained glass that lets in some light, but doesn't show back lit shadows at night. I think it will be a colorful solution for a window treatment.

Is it OK for me to get pissy from time to time? I know I'm not the only person in the world that has problems, but mine are more important, they're mine. I have empathy for others, but at the end of the day, others usually make me mad. I see the problems that they have, or the ones they perceive to have, and it gets me stressed. I don't think people do it purposely, my own father does it. He stayed home 3 days in a row, me too! Family always tell me they are afraid of making me mad, I tell them not to worry about it, I'm usually mad anyway!

Multiple Sclerosis, Vehicle Held Hostage, Changing Scenery, and Marrying Well

The wife had a business dinner for a new surgical center she markets for tonight. The caterer she used is also going to do our 25th anniversary party this fall. The food was excellent, it better be, we have a ton of it here! We are going to be renewing our vows at the church the kids were Christened in, and we will be buried in the church cemetery. I don't mention the cemetery and marriage in the same sentence for any particular reason, it just worked that way. I'm looking forward to it, it having been the smartest thing I've ever done.

We took the car and dropped it off Sunday night, they called this morning and told us they can't figure out where the oil leak is coming from. They had for 2 full days, have years of training, and they came up with the same thing I did! They are going to see if it is more apparent tomorrow where the leak is leaking. The wife is taking my truck to work, leaving me stranded. Funny thing is I go days, sometimes weeks without leaving the house, it's just different when you know you have no wheels.

I changed things around for today, moved the command center into the family room, down in the basement. I commandeered the boys desktop, added a new user, loaded all of my things on that. There is a bathroom right on that level, everything but a kitchen, I just needed a change in surroundings. I think that's one of the toughest things to deal with in this mess? Sure the physical part is bad, but the mental part is just too much sometimes. Thank God I love this house, I can see every inch of it in my mind, I've had the time to memorize it.

MS And the Blues, Leg And Foot Pain, and The Boredom Is Killing Me

I have a full blown case of the blahs today. Many scientists have tried, and failed, to come up with the exact term for this condition. For me it usually stems from not being able to do what I want, and though similar to a tantrum, this differs because it is more about disappointment. I can't come up with what my niche should be, one I've been trying to figure it out since childhood. Oh well, life goes on.

I'm tempted to shave my head today, but am too scared I would look like Buddha, not that he was a bad looking guy, just not sure if that is the look I want. Our Silver anniversary is coming up and we are renewing our vows. Both Mothers are worried I'm not going to get my hair cut, or shave off my goatee, so I'm sure a shaved head would be just right!

The more time that slips by, the less I drive. I mentioned the truck was in the shop, but what I didn't say was that it hadn't run in 2 weeks. I don't drive long distances, that being over 5 miles or so. I also don't have anywhere to go farther than that, except for family, so it works out well. I think it's time to make my solar powered, whip antenna equipped Trike.

My legs feel like I sprayed gas on them and lit a match. I wish that was enough to take my mind off the fact my feet hurt so bad. I remember my grandfather, one hand rubbing his belly, saying how bad the pain was in with his feet. Sorry I didn't appreciate how bad that was then. I also don't know the significance of rubbing his belly, but he often did.

Well, it's either time to clean, time to cook, or time to come up wit a new scheme. The house is already clean, and I just vacuumed, the living room, dinner is going to be easy, and I am fresh out of new ideas. I guess that means it must be nap time, or time to watch the Orioles whip up on the Yankees again, yeah!

Multiple Sclerosis, Rebif Injections, Cymbalta, and Let It Snow

I am getting so tired of these Rebif injections, they should come out with a nasal mist like the one for the flu. There, I think I took care of the problem nicely, no fuss, no muss, no problem. The one that is really getting me are the days that the shot is in that part of your arm that hangs down, kinda under your bicep. That hurts like hell sometimes, and tonight was one of those nights. It's getting hard to do the one in my rear end too! Ain't that shot in the ass? Well, you know what I mean. It's getting hard to manipulate the injector with one hand, so until I get my way with the mist, I need to keep up with my OT exercises.

I need to check tomorrow about getting another prescription for my nutsy pills, Cymbalta. I know I'm supposed to say I take it for the cramps in my legs, but it's a double doer, it takes care of them both. I'm feeling a little blue, and I want it to go away. When I started taking it originally, I felt great! I think over the last couple of years my body has gotten used to it, so time to up the dose, I guess. It's just that feeling of impending doom I can't shake. Doesn't keep me from doing anything, just makes me slower moving, just what I need! I have a script for the next dose up, but it expired. Wonder if I take it to the pharmacy if they will call the doctor to get the new one?

The boy is pacing around, wondering if there will be school tomorrow because of the snow. I told him they probably wouldn't have it, go ahead and stay up all night! His mother didn't think it was funny. Baltimore County is always the last one to call it, I mean Afrim Shalom has already called it off and I have never even heard of them! I don't think they had any snow days yet, go ahead and do it now so the parents can have a break in the morning. The Naval Academy is 2 hours late and they live there! When I take over the world, this is but one thing that will be greatly improved!