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Thursday, September 12, 2013

Depression Rules The Day, Vegetables For Those Who Need Them

Depression is rearing its ugly head right now, can't seem to shake it off.  Combination of not feeling good, circumstances with the mother in law, and feelings of having had wasted my life, nothing too heavy.  I can't do anything about how I feel or the mother in law, but I wish I had done a better job with making my life count towards something.  I feel I was nothing more than a cog in the go to work and pay your bills machine, not accomplishing anything of importance.  I dreamed once of making a difference, looks like that ship has sailed?

My dream was to teach the impoverished how to become more food self sufficient by teaching children how to grow food.  180 or so public schools in my county, if each of them grew a 40 x 40 foot garden just think of how much food that would garnish.  I also wanted to turn vacant lots and unused county property into community gardens.  Think what it would mean to people who their only exposure to vegetables are the onions that come on the double cheeseburger they get on the dollar menu.  Oh well, it was a nice dream to have at one point.

5 comments:

Kim @ Stuff could... said...

So sorry for all the could haves. I am sure I could have done better also....but I did the best I could at the time.
Hope you will feel better

Muffie said...

Sorry you're experiencing the blues.. Is there a way you could still teach the schools how to grow the gardens? Maybe you could ask to be a guest speaker? I think schools would love the idea!

awb said...

Kim - I am the king of could haves, didn't do most of the things I should have, thank goodness I married well!

Muff - There probably is a way, lack the energy to do it?

awb

Karen said...

Came across your blog while searching for some MS info....and this entry caught my attention. I don't know anyone with MS that I can share thoughts, questions, frustrations with since my dx in April 2008 so when I selected this page from my search engine list, I was amazed that you expressed my feelings so well. I'm sure it helped that they were actually your own feelings but I could have wrote the exact words in a few of your lines above!!!! For a few minutes tonight, I don't feel like the Lone Ranger. I'll be 49 in December and the past several years with all the appointments, medicines, and weird MS crap, I haven't cared enough for could haves. I'm trying my best to keep my Federal job until I can retire. I've got 19 years under my belt and have to try to make it to the min. retirement age of 56. Don't see it happening most days, but I seem to make it to and from work and then am a rag doll once I reach home. On my "bad" days, after faking my smile/cheerfulness at work, as all the adrenaline seeps out on the drive home, I can only wonder if I'll be able to do it again tomorrow, and why?? This is just existing, not living. I'm thankful this didn't hit me until my children were well on their way out the house and living their own lives. Ok, now I think I wrote more than you. I do have a wonderful husband of 20 years, but....he is gone several days a week with his work and of course I use the fake smile and asure him all is well. Any words of wisdom? Take care and keep writing. Keh

awb said...

Karen - I only made it 14 years into what was then a 30 year retirement, been retired now longer that I worked. Your making it to 56 will be decided for you, try not to dwell on that part, easy, right? My first child was born 4 months AFTER my diagnoses, they never got to know the me I miss so much, they were 9 and 5 when I "retired". Words of wisdom, not sure anyone ever associated me with that word? Keep fighting, you will know know when the time comes for many things. Remember when you had your first child and you kept saying, I think they have a fever, I think they have a fever? When they finally had a fever you knew it! Many of the things coming your way will be like that, you will know it when it happens. Do what you can will you still can, and hang in there, you're not alone!

awb