Assisted Suicide and Multiple Sclerosis

     We had the talk, the one you dread having, but one people like me need to have. It starts with a quote, remember when you said you would support whatever decision I made on the final disposition of this illness...q the tears. The wife supports me, just doesn't want to go yet. I have said from the very beginning I'd only let this progress so far before I put an end to things.  Not on the doorstep of that place, but I am pulling up to the curb. Everything is an effort, and with that effort comes a good amount of pain. When the time comes I choose to exit on my own terms.

Strength to Go Out

     I’ve got a dentist appointment today, fun day out amongst the humans. It will take every ounce of energy I have for this. I need to do some research, what happens next? What happens when I can no longer gather enough strength to get to the dentist? I go to the doctors too. I see people there with caregivers, usually a woman, where do they come from? I really don’t want that. It’s really no fun living your life in the what if lane, it’s even worse in the when lane. It’s raining now, that will make it easier! See, when you are having a bad day there is always a chance it will get worse!

Weight Loss, Exploding Gallbladder, Social Security, Medicare, The Mother In Law, Bioness, Bladder, Wake Apnea, And A Dog

okay, so what's been going on?  I lost almost 90 pounds, have kept it off, as a result of the weight loss my gallbladder exploded New Year's Eve, so I had surgery for that. My health care provider has stopped paying my claims as primary because I'm supposed to be on Medicare. Medicare starts July 1, but I have to pay a $140 a month penalty because I didn't sign up when I was eligible, nice. Just got a letter from Social Security saying that as a result of a random computer audit it was discovered that I was being paid too much so my monthly amount has been adjusted by almost $900. The mother-in-law went into the hospital to have some tests run and they made an error in her medication that put her in a coma that lasted for the better part of month. She is in a rehab facility fighting to get to a point to be able to take care of herself again. So other than that Mrs. Lincoln how did you enjoy the play?

My Bioness leg stimulator has been replaced through the extended warranty that was bought for $500. The straps that hold tight to my leg are the last thing I'm waiting for, seems they are on backorder. Curious what else the straps are used for that they don't have them in stock at all times, and are they going to replace the contact pads that are being ruined because they are out of stock? The body is pretty much shot, not too many things working the way they should, if working at all. A lot of the places that have been numb for years suddenly are extremely painful. Bladder issues seem to be the order of the day, when the urge hits you'd better get out of my way! I've developed this little thing that the neurologist calls wake apnea, a rather bothersome new edition to my old repertoire. Other than that it has been business as usual, the wife still hasn't tossed me out of the house, the kids still hate me, but we did get a dog, Rosie is a great addition to the family.

Laundry For The Homeless, and 3 Falls In The Yard

Went for wash day with the homeless dudes, only one showed up to do laundry, and one to visit, have to admit, a little disappointed! Way too many lunches as well, I think I had like 20. Was able to get a few people to eat with me, they told me they didn't need them, just hated to see them go to waste. Also saw the worst example of parenting I've ever seen. Young couple came in, he had to go someplace, she said well I ain't watchin him, and she didn't! Twice I kind of herded him inside, 2 years old, mom said not to worry, he pretty much can take care of himself. Hopefully next week will have more guys show, if not may have to rethink the every week schedule.

Fell yesterday, actually it was like 3 times, all back related. Was doing a couple of things out in the yard, bent down for my cane, and boom, boom, boom, out go the lights! It's like somebody flips a switch and all control goes out, I collapse like all my bones dissolved. Got almost to my feet and it happened again, then again getting into the pool. I survived it, but I hurt my knee, got it pinned under me when I went down, hoping it feels better tomorrow. This is getting old, I want to use my get out of jail free card, with whom do I speak?

Sudden And Severe Pain And Cramps

What a wuss I've become. I made a decision, I took a stand, time to tough it out and stop the Baclofen. I failed, on an epic scale! Initially my pain and spasms started gradually, over a period of years actually. After being on the Baclofen for a few months both the issues were lessened, almost eliminated...almost. Stopping the fen brought both things back, full bore, all at once, don't think I can pull it off. I guess I was tougher when I was younger, but it wasn't all at once, so I may be be back on the drug.

Doctor Thinks Everything Is OK, But He's Not Sure

Went to the pain specialist today, had a few questions about the medications. I have my doubts about if the non narcotic Tramadol is doing the trick for me, or if it is of a high enough dose. Also curious if some of the hand issues I'm having, cramping, stiffness, and general weakness are being caused by the Baclofen. I got my all time favorite answer to both, it very well could be. WHAAAAAA? All those years of college, all those years in a specialty and the best you have is, I dunno? All things considered I think we came up with a good plan, we increased both and are going to see if it changes anything, yay.

Is It MS Or Back Pain Short Circuiting My Legs?

I have discovered that I have a point of of return. Not sure what it's actually called, but I'm pretty sure it's back related, not another plum of having MS. My epiphany is that I can no longer squat down to pick things up...wait, that's actually not true, I can, but I can't get back up. I just went out to get the mail, dropped an important letter addressed to me, or current occupant, and bent down to get it. The next thing I knew I was sprawled out in the sedum, Laughing, but I didn't drop anymore mail! I'm close to being able to pick things up, that's what keeps getting me in trouble, I keep trying. Sometimes I get it, sometimes my back short circuits my legs and timber!

Church Chicken Dinner, and MS Leg Death

Church had a chicken dinner tonight, we went expecting chicken that was either raw in the middle, or cooked to a pulp. Imagine how happy we were to have one of the best meals we've had in a while. The secret was they cooked the chicken in the oven before finishing it off on the grill. It's nice to get out and do something you want to do and to have it be so tasty! If church ever gets tired of the religion part, they have a real future in the chicken dinner business.

Legs are pretty well used up today, they hurt from the time I woke up this morning. I've been riding my recumbent exercise bike, kind of hoping this is a good sign, but I'm scared of things these days. What if it was too much, what if that's why my back hurts too? At some point I'm going to have to ignore these thoughts and push through, am I there yet? Think I may be. I think it's time to man the wall at the alamo, put all my eggs in one basket, go for broke, come up with more cliques! Exercise until I feel better, or can't walk at all.

Grandparents on Vacation, Exercising With MS, and Church Garden

The boy is probably going to hook up with his grandparents one day while he is at the beach, my guess is on the boardwalk. My parents live about 40 minutes from the beach, I hope they are able to make it in to see him. A lot of 18 year olds on their first week long adventure away from home probably wouldn't want a visit from the G-Parents, but both of my kids have always been very good about including them. I'm pretty sure he will be in contact with them, he called to make sure he had the right phone number, thanks buddy, we love you.

Time to take the bull by the horns and start exercising! I'm pretty sure that made no sense whatsoever, but you get my point. My legs are killing me! I need to do something, the legs are getting weak, and they ain't going to get any stronger sitting here on my ever spreading rear. My problem is what I consider exercise, and what I'm going to be able to do now. I have to change that mindset, as well as my sedentary lifestyle. I think I've probably said this before, but it's fish or cut bait time. I'm going to write a post and use nothing but cliche.

Our minister gave a great sermon today, one that really made me think. For a long time I have thought what a waste it is to have land go unused in certain places when it could be used to grow food for people in need. I'm lucky to have never been hungry a day in my life, but know that's not the case for everyone. I've talked to a few people about it, always leaving it at just an idea. I think it's time to move it out of that column and at least bring it up people that may be able to make do something about it. I know how gratifying it is to eat something out of our garden, can only imagine how good it would be to feed other people.

The Boys Vacation, MS Leg Pain, and Mortgage Lifter Tomatoes

The boy is going on going on vacation again tomorrow, ah to be young again. He's not going to be going to school in the fall, and he just graduated, so this is the time to do it, before he kicks work full time. He's at the beach this week, Ocean City, MD., then Myrtle Beach, SC 4 days the following week! I used to love going to the beach with friends when I was his age, everything was fun, everything was possible. Didn't hurt we stayed in the one friend's sister's place anytime we wanted, one of the nicest condos there.

My legs are shot. They not only are getting weaker, they hurt all the time now. I think it should be a law, not a federal law, just a state law, keep it local, one or the other. I can handle one at a time, but both, not diggin it I must say. So I sit a lot more, probably contributing to why they hurt, but don't have the juice to go anymore. A lot of pain all of the sudden in the knees? I'd say it's because of my gross tonnage, but to have it start in both at the same time, seems fishy to me.

I have a new favorite food. Maryland tomatoes are the best in the entire of world, if you never had them, fly in and treat yourself. This year we planted a new kind for us, an heirloom variety called Mortgage Lifter. They are a huge variety, up to 2 pounds each, and make an incredible sandwich. My goal is to get a couple , no a few soft crabs, fry em up nice and crispy, a nice big slice of tomato, and there is, quite literally a little slice of heaven.

Went To See Neurologist, But Was A Week Early, and Working Through Leg Pain With MS

Went to the doctors today, had a neuro appointment at the hospital. They have all these entrances that are key card controlled, they lead into the main hallways, not secret anti chambers. Would have cut about 8 miles off my walk, not to mention kept me from having to talk to about 300 people I would otherwise chosen to ignore. Get up to the office, out of breathe, legs screaming, back broken, receptionist tells me my appointment is next week. WHAAAAAAAA? I hate it when that happens.

Legs are for sale, looking for some sucker that doesn't know any better, could get a pretty penny I think. It's gotten to be a vicious cycle with me. The legs are so out of shape, they hurt when I use them, but they also hurt because I have MS. I think they will feel better if I can start walking a bit, or riding my recumbent exercise bike, but I can't do either of those until my back feels better. Is that cycle not vicious? it is a cycle that needs to be ridin however, build up strength at all cost, and take some of this tonnage off. If you told me to haul ass right now, I'd have to make 3 trips!

Multiple Sclerosis and Tooth Pain, and The Boy's Surgery Went Great

So we were in the hospital yesterday, the boy had surgery to fix his broken hand, got six pins put into the back of his hand, when it hit me, I am in agony! I had a tooth ache that made me want to jump out of the window, except we were on the ground floor, seemed pointless. After we finished with the boy, I went to see our dentist, I'm a regular, so getting an appointment wasn't a problem. Had a root canal, the temp filling was too high, he ground it down, gave me pain meds, slapped me and sent me home.

Been having a problem with the dentist lately. I have spent about 50 hours a week at the dentist since I 6 weeks old, horrible teeth. Never had any real problems with the process, but lately it hurts for days after, and not just where they work, everywhere! They gave me some fancy dentist term for it, told me to ask the neuro, who answered by telling me to ask the dentist. I'm starting to think this whole MS thing has effected, affected, or infected, don't which one is right, everything, not just my professional rock climbing dream?

Oh, and the boy made out great, blah, blah, blah. This is my blog, let him start his own if he wants people to know about him!

Multiple Sclerosis and Back Surgery

Went today to the neurosurgeon today, nice enough chap. We went through the whole nine yards. Touch your toes, touch his toes, I tell ya, it was thorough! He told me it was just what we thought, a ruptured disk. He showed me the rupture on the MRI film, pretty noticeable. I told him it looked a dog with a hat on, he posed the rest of his statements to the wife! Surgery scheduled next week, 3/10, remove the extra disk, clean up any floating bone.

The neuro guy was sure to explain that surgery can bring on an exacerbation, even the anesthesia can be rough. I'm not particularly worried about it, I feel horrible anyway, so how will I know. I am going to do the prednisone therapy, so that should take care of any post surgical thingys. I wanted to ask if he could do a tummy tuck while he was in there, the wife told me that was inappropriate. She's just acting big because she works for a doctor.

The Boy Does Dishes, Kobe's Pain, and My Back is Killing Me

The boy dashed through, that few minutes between school and bowling alley duties. We watched ESPN, ate, and I decided to put him to work. A sure sign you haven't given your children enough jobs around the house? Watch them empty the dishwasher! He knew where the dishes, forks, and glasses went, everything else was virgin ground. He didn't know where the pots and pans, utensils, you name it went. I shall make it my duty that he learns, no more dishwasher duty for me!

Watching ESPN with the boy today, I saw that like me, Kobe Bryant is having back problems. Yeah, we both are having problems running up and down the court, bustin those 3 point shots. They must think we're idiots! They even said, anyone who's ever had back problems can appreciate how brave he is. Oh bite me! Anyone who has ever had a real back problem knows you don't lay court side for a few minutes, then resume playing pro basketball.

Speaking of back problems, I need to lay court side! My back is killing me! I can't tell if this pain, this weakness in my legs, is from my screwed up back, or the MS. What I do know is that if the spinal injections don't do more than this, I'm going to need a bigger bottle of pills.

Change in Medication, No More Shots, and Poor Mark McGuire

Hey everyone, thought I'd give it another go, the break was nice, but I found I missed it! Lot's of changes since the beginning of November. I'm off all medication used for the treatment of MS. The neuros have decided the Rebif wasn't doing anything, so why fuss with the shots anymore. They suggested I may want to look into Tysabri, but it looks pretty much the same as the shots, not for me anymore. The neuro said we are to the point, until something new come out, of doing all we can to make me comfortable.

I got the same report from the back doctor, not too much more to be done, short of surgery. they did another of the spinal injections, but aren't too hopeful of much result. The back dude spoke rather candidly, which was nice, but also somewhat gloomy. Because of the types of surgery they do, and the rehab requirements, I'm not a good candidate, so that may not be on the horizon. He did however give me the largest bottle of pain medicine I've ever seen!

If I have to watch one more pro athlete cry on TV I may lose it? Poor Mark McGuire, He wishes he could go back, but he's sorry... sniffle... but he doesn't think the drugs helped him hit more homeruns. Bite me Mark, they did, get over it! A friend of mine said you didn't see Pete Rose cry, and he's right. Man up Mark, you got paid, be happy with that!

Got the Blues, Taking Over the World, and Pains Are Real Pains

Had the blues all week, just couldn't shake it. It would probably be considered more then just the blues, but who's counting? Things are looking up, but I still don't fell well, add to it that these periods now effect my eyes, and my overall health, it's not a fun thing. We will soldier on, do what needs to be done, cross all my I's, dot all my T's, see where it takes use. School is upon us, the boy got his electric bike, the girl is taking the semester off to build the bank account, and recharge. Bring on the next challenge!

I am getting ready to take over the world, look for me in a store near you. I'm tired of certain things, and I've decided if I was running the show, things would run more smoothly. I'm not starting with any of the big things, I'm thinking rules will be a good muster point. Got an automated call from the high school, it would be a big help to fill out the blue emergency cards, the ones they give you with a note, must be completed by such and such a date. No more please do it. Do it or your child gets sent home. They chase these people for months, not under my system! I never filled these cards out myself, told the kids I couldn't sign anything, against witness relocation rules. Tomorrow I'll solve the tinted window problem in Maryland.

I've been having pains, pains that would drop a sensible person to their knees. The pains are what I think are where my muscles used to be? They hit, and boy do they get your attention! It's a lot like a Charley horse, but not with as much cramping, just the pain. My arms and legs jump all over the place, twitching like a fat kid near cake! The pain is new, this didn't suck enough the way it was, thanks MS fairy. I will do what I can, and hope that it will go away, I've had great luck with THAT strategy so far!

Bowling Tournament Ending, Spinal Injection Postponed, and New Garden Planting

They boy has done well so far, though we are having a hard time convincing him of that. He finished 106 out of 450 in singles, 12th out of 100 in doubles. He has one more competition tomorrow, so it has been a lot of bowling. He gets down because he thinks he should do better, but we can't get him to look around and see he is right in the thick of things. I guess that comes with age, and maturity? The wife is loving the feel of pool water warmed by 115 degree heat, I may never get her back home from the casino! Today is the last full day of bowling, unless he does well, then it will be tomorrow too. I pick them up just before midnight Thursday, can't wait.

Because of picking them on Thursday, I had to reschedule my final spinal injection. It has definitely made a difference, but I will be curious what it feels like in a week in half? I always wonder if that LAST one of anything is totally necessary, or if it is just an extra precaution? I am being so responsible, I called and canceled this weeks appointment, scheduled the new one, payed all of the bills, I almost can't stand it. I guess in a perfect world I will feel so good by next Thursday I can just cancel my appointment and go live. Being a realist, I plan on having the last injection regardless, taking that extra pound.

It's time to plant my fall crops, and I've been thinking about this. I have decided to adopt an "Asian" way of eating for a majority of my meals. Asian cuisine consists of much more vegetable intake compared with meats, or proteins. I'm going to plant accordingly, things that can be simmered in a hot pot with broth, and small amounts of protein. Things like bok choy, cabbages, and beans. I've decided that's how I'm going to attack my weight issue, grow some good stuff to eat, and eat less, it can't miss!

Friend to Finish Bathroom, Wife Walked on Back, and Daughter Gets Published

Took a road trip with a friend today, even crossed state lines. I know, slow down boy! My friend's a builder, we went up so he could look at a problem with a sidewalk at a place he just finished a huge addition. So I road shotgun, we looked at the crack, then went and got lunch, I miss going to work! The friend is coming tomorrow to finish our hall bathroom, the one that was started July 19th, 2008, so much for the whole thing taking a few days. I hate it when people don't do what they say. My friend is coming tomorrow, to finish, and we bartered the job for a 30 gallon compressor, he tried to pay for the new door, so obviously the job is worth more than the compressor, but I feel like I'm paying him something.

The wife did a modified oil treatment tonight, hoping it will help with my fractured vertebrate. So far so good, let's see if it works. I am fine if I don't move, but that's no way to live, so I will go back to toughin it out, as soon as I get back to a level I can tough through! My father has always had back problems, so I'm glad he passed THAT on.

The daughter got some good news yesterday, she had her first novel published. She must have gotten her writing talent from me, but she didn't have to take it all! The novel is called "Her Hair" and it will be available on places like Amazon in a few days. Most of the things she wrote when she was younger had a definitely Disney style, you know, the father died! They would be cheery stories, and all of a sudden they would talk about the day the father got murder by the band of roving thieves. I didn't sleep with both eyes shut for 10 years! I'm proud of her, not just because I want her to buy me a 700 acre piece of property in Western Maryland, but because I love her and think she can do anything!

Wife Gets to Grieve, LDN Blocking Pain Medicine, and Swimming In Ice Water

We went tonight to our friends house, me and the wife, she made lasagna and a Caesar salad to take to their home. She hasn't seen them since their daughter passed away. The wife tends to cry easily, but is tough as nails. Our friends seemed to be holding it together fairly well, I don't know how, but they are. We ate, we talked, we teared up a bit, we just sat and were friends. We didn't want to stay too long, they have had a long week, but we all wanted to see the video the funeral home made of their daughter. It was one of the hardest thing we have ever done. I can't imagine, no one should ever have to endure this pain.

My back is broken, ain't that a shame? Does it work for your father if you step on a crack? Those crazy kids! The wife works for a pain management company, but they can't do anything to help me, they don't work on family. The only thing worse then that would be if she worked for a bakery. I don't think I can take any pain medicine, the LDN will cancel it out, right? Is the dose enough to keep pain meds from working, I probably should find that out? What about Novocain? I can handle the back, the dentist isn't allowed to talk to me on the phone without Novocain! I go the end of the month to the dentist, so I definitely need to figure that one out.

I think the pool will be too cold to swim in for the rest of the summer? The weather has humid, but not too hot, dropping into the 50's at night. How are you supposed to heat up a pool with those night time temps? I may go soak in the cold water tomorrow, just to see if I can take it. I'm going to buy an aqua bug to clean the pool automatically, something less on the wife's plate. I want to float, weightless, let the cool water heal my body. More then anything, I want to be able to get in without a a having heart attack! It will come soon, I just can't wait!

Multiple Sclerosis, Vacation Fatigue, and Family

I was looking through the pictures from Bermuda, I was trying to see if I got a snap of the bus that hit me! I'd like to say this is odd, but this happens every time I go on vacation, or try to live life in the normal world. I don't see that I have much of a choice though, I'm not willing to give up going with the family, so for now just grin and take it. The wife and the kids understand it will happen, and they look for it. It's getting so my recovery time is longer and longer. I will be down probably until early next week I suppose, life is what it is.

My family is all down my sister's this weekend for the 4th. The sister has a beautiful place on the water, not too far from Ocean City, MD. She has a big party every year, we usually don't make it, mainly because of how I feel when I travel. It's 3 hours down to her house, that time in the car, added to the quick turn around of the 4th, doesn't make for a very pleasant trip. The bad part is, I don't think they understand why I don't go. That's tough, we were very close at one point, but time and distance take their toll, even the continents drifted apart! I was down the parents house a few weeks ago, saw the sister one day for about 30 minutes, hurts. I also have a brother that lives about a mile away as the crow flies. I haven't seen him for a couple of months, people tell me my MS makes him uncomfortable, sorry about that!

I think a lot, especially when I'm run down like I am today, when will this feeling not go away? I remember playing racquetball, about 20 years ago, had a great workout, one of those kind that I had that burning sensation all over my body. That feeling has not left since that day, not for one second. Is this near paralysis on my right side going to stay this way, this time, or will it be the next? I always heard, and always believed, knowledge was important, but the older I get, there are certain things I wish I wasn't so sure of.